Hi folks, I've missed connecting with all of you. It's been several months, but the words simply were not there.
Forgive me if I jump around, I'm struggling a bit with where to start.
First off, I'm proud to share that my lovely daughter Meagan was married in July. A chip off the old block - she planned with annoying precision and ownership as I referred to her as "Bridezilla". The result - BEST wedding EVER! Oh we had so much fun, not a boring moment.
I also have the best son-in-law anyone could hope for. Steven - you are warmly welcomed by many. Highlight of my summer!!
4 days later, my invincible dad had a massive heart attack. 4 days later - my Grammas 90th birthday celebration. A bit of a rollercoaster.
I also traded in the MassaCAR (My billboard Van). I struggled with it, but it was time, and we were missing our privacy. I'd like to thank Mayfield Toyota for your support through the years.
Wedding aside, and million dollars aside - its been a difficult year, Im not gonna sugar coat it, so here it is.....
Last Summer I fell ill with exhaustion and incurred a few "Tammy type" injuries - needless to say this slowed me to an abrupt halt. I had time to reflect, feel worried and stressed about managing upcoming chaos.
By September when HM abruptly kicked in and all my fears came to fruition, I was on the ground running.
As Christmas approached I was into my first week of stress leave and by Jan 5, I was on the ground running again - on 5 different medications. My ticker took a licking.
I struggled with sharing my situation with most of the folks in my life as I found it embarrassing that a seasoned herbalist would have resort to such desperate measures.
I also set an unnatural standard for myself that I could not show weakness, and any of my human flaws would be only displayed as humorous anecdotes.
By the end of February I was filled with such exhaustion that I could not effectively manage my headspace.
I continued to stuff emotions until I hit depression, and even that I hid. Meanwhile
event follow up tore at my insides as I became aware of every little hiccup that occurred on Feb 13.
Desperate efforts to avoid hiccups in fall and winter, strategic planning was not bullet proof.
For some reason my unrealistic goals of perfection cannot foresee error, nor except it when it happens. This is my recent admission to myself.
400 volunteers, 1,800 participants, 250 VIP's and entertainers and 3 charities - how could one not expect glitches.
I talk about it like I was prepared for it. Emotionally I cannot deal with letting anyone down in any capacity whether Im directly responsible or not. This is one of my demons, and I have accepted that I have a long way to go before it goes away.
By April, I came to a painful realization - I approached the charities and asked them to take over Hair Massacure.
I knew I could no longer tackle the beast, particularly as a single mom. I could not manage the enormity of the pressures I felt. I was spent and desperate to live a life of normalcy.
The charities kindly agreed. I am certain they saw this day coming.
I cannot put into words how guilty and embarrassed I felt for giving up.
I was letting so many down, including myself and my family. What would I say to my peeps, our team?
What are my kids thinking - are they disappointed? How do I address myself in future - "Tammy the who????"
I was going to loose my identity. I was now the mom who walked out.
All summer I worked with Brandi creating documents, extracting everything about HM that I stored in my head and in various journals.... mostly in my head - 9 years worth.
For the first time I felt comfortable and ready to relinquish it all, almost like I was harbouring this well kept secret.
The haunting question lingering over my head all of these months - WHO would replace me?
I had no intention of leaving (just so were clear). My plan to linger in the background in an advisory role, continuing on as the ambassador (along with the rest of the fam).
I have had thoughts in past, much like us parents pondering who would take their children in the event they were abruptly yanked off the earth - it was much the same. WHO would take our baby?
I wont go as far as to divulge, however I have thought a lot about that and in the past few months have said many a prayer over it.
With the shock of my dad's recent massive heart attack, efforts of trying to sell my house (due to annoying reoccurring intrusions) and the "WHO" hanging over my head, I came to a place of acceptance that the lessons attached to these events were intended for personal growth.
A balance of fighting for what you need and letting go of what you cannot control has been extremely difficult, but the point has been received.
I am ending this blog with this message - Unless the aliens beam me up, or I get hit by a truck (again), Im not going anywhere. I will strive to find balance between surrendering and executing.
I am coming to peace with my work and on Feb 3, I will be exactly where I need to be - beside another "Tammy", and hopefully not running with hair straight back.
As Brandi mentioned in her post - This is our 10th ANNIVERSARY. It HAS to be special.
Some of you may have noticed the positing for this position - I hope this provides a better understanding. Will keep you all updated on who that shall be when all interviews have been completed.
God works in mysterious ways. I am praying for success.
