Climbing out of Christmas despair

11 years ago, we spent Christmas in the Peds Oncology unit at the Stollery.

Our daughter Kali at the age of 2 1/2 was more aware of her current state of being than most 10 year olds.

She fully understood that Christmas was not going to be experienced in the same way it was portrayed by the visual clues around her.

Christmas is cosmic fun and excitement to a child. Families celebrating, visiting Santa at the mall, singing carols, eating goodies and the heightened anticipation of Santa's visit (whats inside my presents?) is magic for kids.

Children aught not to be praying for their lives so as not to devestate their families in their permenent absence during the festive season. We saw plenty of this with the older kids.

With our Kali, it was simply a crushing of her little spirits that we watched helplessly.

A child needs their family around them during celebration and crisis - not in Oncology.

Sadly, the presense of family to a child lacking an immune system will place their fragile lives at great risk.

Cancer patients cannot enjoy home baking due to handling (germs), therefore festive baking must be secretly consumed by immediate family members away from the patient.

To ask family and friends to leave the hospital or your home is beyond awkward, in some cases it destroys relationships due to a lack of understanding its severity. Its also very lonely without ones peeps.

Visiting the mall to see Santa and Christmas displays is not an option when white counts are critically low (which is often).

Lining up with other children to sit on Santas knee is simply out of the question.

So then what is Christmas? It's redefined.

It means "Im too sick to get out of my bed to watch the snow fall, too sick to eat Christmas baking, to weak to sing or celebrate with family .... (hmmmm .... celebrate what??),

I just want Christmas to be over".

To be surrounded by such despair can truly impair a parents perspective about Christmas or any other celebratory occasion.

I can't speak for Gord, but for myself it has taken me 11 years to find the festive spirit and embrace it.

Our first Christmas, (inside our modified lifestyle) lead me down a path of holiday resentment.

I did not want any exposures around me - no tree, no decorations, no carols, (baking... well I compromised).

Treatment left us flat broke with no opportunity to leave our child to shop, so the salvation army paid a visit to our home with a Christmas meal and gifts for our kids. It was humbling to say the least.

Gifts and baking flooded in from our community and karate school.

My mom (who's all about Christmas) bypassed her grinch daughter and brought over a tree and decorated it for the other girls left at home.

I had selfishly robbed my other kids of their right to celebrate.

Mom was NOT ok with that. I received her gentle kick to the derrière with humility.

Appreciation and gratitude for these kind gestures were fully experienced, but not enough to lure me into the festive spirit.

Even the surprise visit from Santa at Stollery Christmas morning - via a real sleigh (assembled in Stollery), and an authentic massive bag bursting with gifts for the young patients was stirring... but not enough to move me.

I have been quietly boycotting the movement ever since. Containing my feelings (or lack thereof) Ive played along with my ho hum attitude each year so as not to totally demolish my family's right to feel holiday pleasure.

I guess time eventually heals.

Im proud to say that this year I have a REAL tree, as I desperately wanted to take in Christmas with all of my senses.

The smell of the tree when I walk in my front door reminds me of what I have missed out on for so long. My home decorated early this year, my choice (not begrudgingly - for the sake of the kids), and Ive even hummed along to a few tunes. Baking is coming along nicely and I'M cooking this years turkey.

Yesterday we did a neat little Christmas photo shoot for Hair Massacure (which will be revealed very soon) and tomorrow we are having a small gathering of HM peeps to celebrate the season.

I can't ever say that Christmas has returned to me in the same fashion.

I will always feel annoyed with the hype, exagerated marketing, unnecessary financial pressures and obligations, and wasted focus towards aspects of Christmas that do not reflect spirit.

my wish for all of you to feel spirit as did the Wisemen who awaited the miracle that ultimately created CHRISTmas.