Heavy day

How does one describe heaviness?

Its all consuming, crippling our ability to experience and process joy, humor, excitement, gratitude.

I felt heavy today as I sat in Peds Oncology at the Stollery awaiting results of Kali's blood tests and the final verdict from the doc regarding a suspicious lump.

I felt heavy for her, reflecting on the number of relapses I have witnessed over the years, admiring her beautiful long hair and trying to get my head around how we would handle a second go.... how would she.... more importantly - how could she/we? I felt sick.

I felt sick for 2 reasons, for 2 people.

Meanwhile Kali sat quietly for a long spell with a hospital brochure in hand (studying a younger picture of herself on the front cover).

Her thoughts were: I know Im fine, and I'll take the day off of school any day to hang out with mom. She worried, but for someone else - our friend who was recently diagnosed this weekend with Leukaemia.

Its true that ignorance is bliss.

After bloodwork, pager in hand - we were released for a bit to grab a bite and visit our friends (on that note, after 8 years I am finally able to eat at the hospital again).

We connected with our friend and learned a bit more about his wife's condition.

She was too weak for a visit, but we listened intently while he talked, voice trembling trying to keep strong.

Back to "ignorance is bliss"...

I knew what was ahead of him. I wished I hadn't, and I knew that in time he will wish he hadn't either.

Today is his birthday, and his biggest hurdle of this day is telling his boys.

I wanted to tell him it will be ok. I knew it would be a lie.

I raced back and forth in my head from Kali to my friend. Deep down I felt Kali was going to be ok, but I didn't trust it because it tricked me the first time.

For my friends, I spent the day wondering what we could do for this family. They have done so much for us, in fact very much involved in Hair Massacure.

Kali was released with no traces of evil in her body.

I felt a huge weight off, then felt bad that my friend would not feel the relief I was granted.

I thought about the new research project our event is now funding - Leukaemia.

I wanted to share this news, explaining that adult cancers benefit from paediatric research.

I decided to leave it alone as it is not relevant at this time and will not release the pain this man is feeling for his wife, his family.

I fished for something positive to tell him. All I could say was that we would pray.

I could not offer any of the resources that I have affiliations with (as the patient is not a child).

Could not mention Ronald McDonald House when they go to Calgary for 3 months for a bone marrow transplant, no Kids with Cancer Society, no Make-A-Wish.

I felt that I had nothing to offer other than a crash course on what to expect with Leukaemia (when they're ready).

Thats not very positive.

The outcome may be (and I pray it is) but the roller coaster ride is not.

I thought about all of the issues with Hair Massacure Ive been griping about this past few weeks.

In retrospect, I'll gladly take 'em.